When my mother died, it took ten long years to go through the grieving process. To even say the words, "My Mother" caused me such pain and sorrow, it would take my breath away and the tears would flow no matter where I was or with whom, I would have to walk away to compose myself.
I worked as a bartender in San Fransisco and became friends with a woman named Kathy. At the begaining of our friendship she wanted a closeness that I could not give. I told her we would remain friends for a very long time, she agreed, and so we were. Kathy had been the tennis coach at a small private collage, she was tall, brilliant, and with a wit I seldom find. We became drinking and softball buddys. She was my ship in the night.
One night after work, she drove me to the beach in her vw bug. We drank and talked for hours. Some how the subject of "mother" came up and as always I lost it and opened the door to get out of the car. She held me back and ask me to tell her what I remembered and loved most about my mother. I told her, "reading to me when I was a little girl".
"What did she read to you?", she ask and held hold of my arm until I closed the car door.
"All kinds of books, and my dad read to me as well."
"What book did you like the best?"
"Uncle Remes, brair rabbit and tar babby", mother always moaned when ask to read it, she said it was hard to get the rhythem right. It was the rhythem of the words that I loved in her voice. She had a gift of many things, but couldn't see it.
Kathy started speaking to me in a black dialectic, das right, etc. We laugh and cried until the sun came up.
Something happened that night, a healing that has never wavered til this day. The open wound of loss transmuted to acceptance and even a comforting joy. My friend gave me a gift that night, a gift that there are no words of gratitude in me that can express my feelings with.
Soon after that time, I moved to the east coast and lost touch with Kathy. I can only hope that when we dream, I can reach out to her and say, "thank you".
10 comments:
Thank you, Susan, for sharing a wonderful story about friendship and healing. Sometimes the love of a friend is the only true comfort that one can find. Your friend was able to step outside herself and give you a gift that will last a lifetime. Is there anything more precious than the gifts of acceptance and healing?
My own healing did not start or end with a friend, but because of a friend. I thought I had handled the deaths of my mother and father well, especially for a young girl. I learned to keep my pain to myself. Even when my marriage dissolved and left me with so much anger and resentment, I managed to suck it up and deal. Or so I thought.
I began to notice I cried easily and it embarrassed me. But I never thought about it being depression. No, not happy, positive ole me. Then a dear friend, a friend who had helped me thru the divorce, thru rearing my children, thru nursing school, thru many bumpy situations, stole several thousand dollars from me. When I confronted her, she blamed me. (We were in a silk screening business together and she kept the books at her house. I was there one day when a delivery was made. I wrote a check from the company checkbook. It was then I discovered all these checks made out to cash and to my friend. It was in July and since January of that year, she had diverted over eight thousand.)
It was my fault because I made more money as a nurse than she did reading meters. Therefore, to be able to go out to eat with me, travel with me or go on other social excursions with me, she had to take the money from the company. (I had not only refused any salery until the company was more profitable, I had actually put some of my money into the company.)
That betrayal sent me into a tailspin. I sought professional help. It was through therapy I came to realize I had never dealt with my mother's and father's deaths or the death of my marriage. I had never grieved and never healed. I had never admitted to anyone how badly my ex had abused me so I had never resolved all the anger.
I was in therapy for two years. Naturally the things we share here barely skim the surface of our experiences. I say that to give you an inkling of why it took two years of therapy. But I can say, without a doubt, it was the best money I've ever spent.
So if a friend could do in one night what it took me two years in therapy to accomplish, I say bravo. And thank God for sending you that friend.
There is always "a difference(that something)that makes a difference". It seems to be a key that unlocks the lock we have no name for.
Thank you Yvonne for shareing your experince here. A little encouragement goes a long way doesn't it?
My heart would say more, but my head isn't cooperateing:)
I keep coming here, hoping that I can find something to say to you both, but I can't. I have not felt the loss of a parent, I cannot begin to imagine feeling such a loss. I do know that I will experience it one day, and I must be honest, I am very afraid of it. I know that once my Mom goes, I will be truly alone. My family has fallen apart. Please don't mind me, I don't feel well, I'm very emotional and I feel very very quiet.
I wish I could find something to say. Not much of a consolation, but, I do extend the *warmest of hugs* for you both
Made out a list this afternoon: return books to library, dog food and half&half, post office. My drivers license had expired and the truck plates as well. I wasn't looking forward to getting either renewed. This being so small a town, the office is open only on thursday. The officer was a nice guy. Standing at the counter while he did the paper work, I opened a Christmas card from a friend.
This is hard to write, my brain is still on tilt. Just before taking my god-awful picture the officer said, "Will you be paying with cash or check?"
"Cash", I said. He then told me how much it was, and walked away for a moment. I almost started cried, I was twenty dollars short. Standing there trying to compose myself, I opened the letter that was in my Christmas card...
Why is it so hard for me to believe, and yet know with everything that's in me such things are possable?
I am standing at a cross road in my life. I don't know what to do but pray for guidance. After being cloistered for so long...
Tonight I'm going to watch a movie, one of three I picked up at the library. I am shakeing in fear of change, or having to trust, or I don't even know. Maybe by tomorrow morning I'll feel better:)
Thank you my friend, it's been a shocker of a day.
Everything will be okay Serenity, you'll see. Fear makes us grow in faith. One of my little sayings, "When your green you grow, when your ripe, you rot". We be Green!
Good morning, Susan. Coffee's on and I invite you to share a cup. Trying to come up with a blog entry, but no words or ideas are coming to me yet. Have a great day, my lil green friend.
Hay Serenity, me too. I must have slept eight hours or more last night, a first in months:)
It snowed last night, not much, but enough to cover everything in white again. It's been warm for the past three weeks and the prediction for the coming week is the same.
Let me finish shoveling the walk and I'll be right over for coffee.
Iffin you need to stay green to learn, I am glad to stay green. But I think I stay green, not because of what I have to learn, but because of what I have already learned. My particular shade of green comes from being so jaded. LOL
LMAO! to true, and even to be green with envy doesn't need to be bad. My mother would say."Oooo I wish I had that, and they had something better".
Getting older has it advantages, we're less green around the gills.
Wow, what a beatiful post. I do hope someday that you find Kathy or drop her a note. Isn't it beautiful when a little angel on earth, slips in and out of our lives, leaving their footprint on your soul? I'm so sorry for your loss and I do hope that you are
feeling better. You are a very good hearted person.
God Bless
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